Am coming back to
live life with a vengeance! You see there is pain in the last hours of life but
so much pain in physical end of our loved ones. The pain consumes our very
being and makes us vulnerable to a heartache that just won’t go away.
I have tasted that pain. I have seen myself wander about
what love is because many things have come to taste my faith in love. I should
have seen and felt the love of a mother for a long time. But yet again at the
age of 10 I was brought to the reality that death could make dreams smaller. My
mom passed on. And 13 years later, I still wonder, what it feels like to be
loved by a mother.
Then yet again, death came with vengeance and stole the man
that raised me as his own, we used to call him daddy, “Daddy” loved us, me and
my cousins. Daddy always had it all figured out. He was the father of my mother
but in him we knew the love of a father. I look at the journey we walked with
him and am saddened by how much time is wasted in not living life that when it
is gone, we are bitterly ached by the things that could have been.
So I am coming back to live life with vengeance. I am going
to live life large and big. I will eat KFC when I want and buy the dress that I
want. I will think of falling in love and writing poetry. I will make me happy
because only I can do that. I will detach from all that broke me and make rules
that befit me. I will search for more of me or even create the “me” I want. I
will chase the night lights in all the beautiful places I know. I will save for
a rainy day or even a dry day. I will dance and my heart out. I will sing
hallelujah or even just listen.
I will just do life my way. I will break cord with relation
and build stronger cords with some. I will just do life. I will scream when I
want to and laugh when I desire. I will watch as much poetry as I can. I will
buy the most expensive perfume and lavishly spray it all over me, I will get
dizzy with too much of it but I will also smile for its dose of confidence.
I am going to live this life because even in the
cautiousness of whatever we live for, if it’s boring it is not worth living. So
why not lives a life that is so fulfilling then even at the show of death, you
can rise up from the ashes of pain.
Maybe I will never know how to react when I have my own
children because I don’t really have the picture of how it feels to be loved my
mom, but I will have the pride of knowing that it is love anyway. Maybe I will
never get to have many grandfathers like Daddy but I can tell everyone that I
was once loved by a good man.
Maybe I might not even live the exact life that I dreamed
of, but I have comfort in the now, that I am going to make the most while I
can. It should be fun, rising everyday and finding a new joy even in wearing a
red high heels shoe at the beach!
I am also writing for me...and maybe for that one person that reads my mumbling and words
