On the Namuddu Poetry Lounge

There is something about poetry that awakens me and reminds me of the things buried deep within me, the joy, the laughter and the love that only words can voice sometimes. And there I was listening to the poems of my dear friend Namuddu, she holds the accolades of being my mum, after all she has my mother’s name. 

This lounge was dear to my heart, mostly because over time, when I look back on the works of the Lantern meet of poets, the “Bittersweet: Love is forever “ recital still awakens me to emotions buried and alive in me and in that recital Ann’s work was the highlight of the night.

So I went, without a doubt excited to hear her voice on the issues that trouble our hearts. At least my heart is painted in her poem “Raindrops”. Ann said, “when she was not heard by one person, she wrote for a thousand to hear.” But maybe what I would want to say to her about her poetry is that, it is the mirror of a lot faces, as complex as love is or as complex as we make love out to be, we find ourselves in the words that show up in her poetry. I will speak for myself, I have seen myself lose my innocence and I could tell the difference it had from my ignorance. I have loved and found a shadow on the other side, I have had oceans of love to give, I have grown numb many a times from the hurt, I have cried my heart out and I have loved yet again, sometimes I would be the only one participating. Yet the anthem still rings, don’t give up on love.I have smiled through heartache and yet here we are...long after love failed us, or we failed love whichever way the universe will sway the person on the receiving end of the poem.

Where I find the liberation is in the power of the pen, you get this strong emotion, subject, muse and put it out in words, and give it a face and make it come to life, that is powerful, that is a place of strong standing and that is a place I want to hold Ann at, That even when words flow from the spaces that we are in, the true power is in realizing that in giving these words a face, we tell the story of many people, in a few lines.

On finding Selah, I wish I had told Ann that a pause or a stop has never been a bad thing, if there is rebirth after it. She spoke of closure, I saw new beginnings. When we write, we give birth to new thought, new ideas and to new purpose. And even though we enjoy Ann’s poetry on love and everything in between. Knowing the little I know about Ann, I cannot wait to read the storm of knowledge that is going to come out of her essays. I have seen the power of her pen and that above everything puts me in reckless hope of what she will birth out of her many thoughts on Feminism, social justice, mental health and other subjects there of.

The Namuddu lounge was a Phoenix rising moment and I was glad to be a part of it. It was much closure and it was rebirth. I don’t know where her thoughts are at but I am sure they are holding up a holy fire of new work to be devoured.

Keep on Keeping on my Namuddu

HELLO ME

I am learning that my personal space is very important if not mandatory.

Often times we get caught up in the crowd and find ourselves losing touch with who we are. So you step outside the crowd and find your true self...work on finding what makes you you, your intricacies and all the gold that makes you glitter.

I have found me in the pages of books, in solitude,in silent nights where only me and my true intricacies meet.

I have loved me, I have faulted myself. I have cried and I have broken all the walls of strong and built them back and yes, In silence I put myself back together.

I learned the beauty of being alone, the beauty of following your song and of singing that song. In the busy of being who we adore or who we are not, there is a true us that springs from falling away from the cut out path.

I am learning what growing really looks like, appreciating how different people’s journeys are and how unique everyone story is, yet I also acknowledge that the story of self, is one to be ventured into and told.

Tell your stroy so that you might find your face, Tell it so that you can face those hard to indulge emotions. Face your truths and wear them like war masks, for the battle to find self is worth it.

In my silence, I learned that; I was resilient in my love, strong in my afflictions...sometimes too strong, exhaustive in my emotions, I learned to live all the emotions as they come, no bottling. And most of all, I learned to love me...more fiercely. In those alone moments I learned that I am enough maybe more resoundingly more than enough.

I learned to trust my gut even when U might make mistakes, they are lessons I am willing to learn. I learned to let my light shine, there is always someone in the dark. I learned to be me...unapologetically.

I hope you find you,

I hope you love you,

And I hope you overflow, for others to bequeath your love too.

AFTER A WHILE

After a while you learn
After a while you understand

After a while you learn to let go
After a while you learn that to walk away was always better than to stay

After a while you understand that love is not enough
After a while you understand that you were never the one.

So pick your bruised self and start to heal
Get up from the wallows of your tears and start to live
Redeem yourself from the grip that once held you captive

For in the while, you heal
In the while,you grow
In the while you learn to love yet again.

On Uganda

If in the ever changing system of governance I was given the powers to weild change and cause a shift in the social and economical development of this land; I would in three ways wish to uplift this land, not in negation of the other areas but in hope that development in these key areas would and can cause major transformation for our country and still cause sustainable development in the long run

Language
It has been said and it is still said; That no Nation can develop in a foreign language. And over time countries that have gained great development have done so in their native languages and have surpassed the cut out trends for development. For example one of the reasons that helped the Asian tigers to develop was their language and all development was conducted in a language particular to their Nation. Therefore I would work on enforcing a unifying language,one chosen by the people and spoken widely. While every tribe will have the liberty of keeping their native language, they will be oriented on using the unifying language as the official language of this land.So we have an inclusive dialogue among each other.

Education
I would do a revision of the available syllabus and work towards practical subjects and towards an education that encompasses the nature of country that we are, digs deep into the African, East African and Uganda issues of the past,present and possible future.
I would invest in hands on skilling, in technical institutes through equipping them with the necessary tools and spaces to provide adequate training of students in their custody.

I would also invest in free education,bent towards scholarships and grants for outstanding performers and underprivileged but intelligent students. I would also invest in research hubs for university students to help them invest in knowledge development other than knowledge consumption.

In the first two solutions,my target or rather end goal would be to harness human capital,to create a people that are proud of their heritage and know their history. To equally create a people that are greatly skilled to create jobs and increase on the job market of this Country.

Industrialization and urbanization
In urbanization I would invest in rural electrification and industrialization. I would push for industrial hubs to be created it of the CBD and have good road works to help increase on the accessibility of goods and services to the end users.
      
I would invest in a tube/subway system to reduce on time wasted on the jammed up roads leading to different industrial hubs.And in that way deal with the number of vehicles that access the Central Business District.

I would invest in Buy Uganda Build Uganda companies owned by Ugandans and also reduce on the goods imported into the country.

I would push for agricultural industrialization and work towards providing markets for value added food stuffs I order to push the farmers to improve on the end products and in the long run,increase their earnings of the increased value of produce from the country.

In conclusion, it is only a dream until some one takes the mantle to run with it and bring it into fruition. What our leaders lack mostly is the patriotism that they should have as servants of this land. There is little that is impossible in a society that has leaders that are for the land and not for the money.

So we dream on, we dream that in investing in these areas we will have a people for the land and a people with the desire to better improve their mother land. We will have better educated women and ready to serve their land. But until that day,may the children dream of a better land.

For God and My Country.

Of Bobi wine and Virtual concerts

In the wake of Facebook live and many other ways to get the people to watch the Nation progress, In the wake of Virtual Private Networks and every other way to get the people to connect. I am of the view that Bobi wine can host a watch party on Facebook live and then make a breakthrough even in countries far and beyond.

A mini concert right after his Kyarenga concert (If it ever happens on the 9th of November),right in his compound in Magere or at Busabala would be a very great way to share his music,politics and love globally. I am borrowing this from Afrie. Afrie held a Facebook live concert,one of it’s kind, new,fresh and for a very long time will be a great imprint on her music career.

I am for a change in dynamics, a new thing would do us good and guess what, UCC will have another challenge to face in the ever dynamic world of the young people today.
I am pretty sure many news networks will be able to share this live stream of the concert. We have an icon in Bobi wine.

Someone sell this idea to Mr.Kyagulanyi.

It's how the light gets in

Many times life brings us to places where our resolve,  vulnerability and abilities are put to the forefront.  I know that vulnerability is rare because the world is teaching everyone to be strong,  keep our heads up and to always have it together most of the time. 

But I  have also seen the consequences of refusing to embrace vulnerability...a hardened heart, a numbness  that becomes familiar to us in many ways.  I know so because I have been there. 

He was tall, everyone said,  we should meet each other long before they could find out that we did meet before they could put us together.  I loved him enough to go out with him and a long the way...came the realization that he was emotionally unavailable... scarred and scared to be in a relationship. It felt like an excuse until I  found out his story.

He had been fooled not once but twice,  a lady held a baby in her womb that wasn't his but made him take care of it until on the delivery bed,  when he met face to face with the real father of the Child,  he thought he sired... As he told the story,  I lived his pain.  And here we were...in love yet one of us couldn't give the best of his life because somewhat, the hurt still lingered. 

And I bade him goodbye eventually and for the very first time... I felt my heart break. 

And as sure as broken hearts heals,  so do we find love again.  I did grow out if the ache,  I lived numb but alive.  I survived most times and in moments I never thought of, Love found me. 

He was (for lack of a better word)  Out of his league, me his friend of many years,  not looking to date... Him most probably looking for a fling to wade through.  And there he was playing with the fire that I am. We eventually found middle ground,  I loved him if I am to speak for myself and for the most part of it I think I was guilty of the adagae that he would loves the most hurts the most.  And in all the love that he gave me... I gave double. 

I have been accused of loving too much,  but my argument is love is a mastery of everything that you are and if you cannot give your all,  how then do you hope to make love abide in you? 

He was so much my soul mate because he mirrored the flaws and dynamites that made me me.  In him,  I saw my very self  and I found pieces of me that where hidden. 

He taught me to love myself and to find beauty in my chaos.  He spoke to me in the highest accord of intellect... Awoke my brain to discourse unimaginable and then one day he was gone...

I waited for him to be back,  I yearned to bask in the familiarity of his arms but there was only an ache at the other end.

I feared for my heart again,  I stayed awake many nights praying for this heart not to break. 

I prayed not to break apart and on one lone night after many nights of dreading,  I resolved that if I was to break,  I would feel it with the intestity  that I had loved him.  I have come to learn that to find your soul mate doesn't necessarily mean that you will end up with them... Often times,  it is too painful.  Soul mates serve a purpose for a time. ( I didn't know that then) 

But on that lone night,  I let him go. I stopped waiting,  I stopped hoping that he would be back,  his purpose in my life was over.  And that is when I broke open. 

I felt the heart break,  embraced it,  went through it,  cried,  wallowed,  nursed the ache,  wished it would end,  had a pity party for myself and just when I thought that this life would end,  I found the light break through. I saw myself rise from the pain,  the scorn,  the obsession with losing love. 

When I look back on the purpose of these two men,  the former took me through a phase of numbness even after I went through the heart break.  I stop to cry,  I stopped to feel and no amount of pain gave me an opening to feel.  The years died away blunt and dark and yet I lived. 

The former taught me how to love me right back to restoration,  in him leaving,  he gave me back my ability to be anything that I wanted to be. He gave me back myself and like a thread untangled from a cloth,  I felt myself unravel into a version of me that I have waited to meet. 

Talk about "a fall in the pit and a gain in the wit"

So here I am,  learning that we break sometimes  or even many times  but it is in our brokenness that the light gets in.  And this light makes way into our beings and restores us back.  It is in our dark moments that the sun shines brightest because we need the light to find us and bring us back redemption for the broken pieces we hold. 

God bless the broken roads of our lives,  they have led us straight into beautiful ends.  

GRIEF HAS A FACE

There is something about grief that makes me humble.
Humble to the reality that it is a mater of time before all this fades away into a distant memory.

Grief re-echoes my limitations my fears and my vulnerabilities. In the quiet of my pain, I wary and worry for the impending future. I then hope to find peace within for what is yet to come.
I wonder if the dead have it easier, if only they would tell us. I ache with the pain of knowing that this life makes it impossible to go the long stretch  without re-sounding the bells of pain and fear, heartache and grief.

So I sit here, caught in my grief, captured ever so to what is unknown to me.
When will the darkness lift? If it lifts how do I pick up my cage and rebuild new walls? Do I just go on with my grief hanging around my sleeve? Will this pain ever be redeemed? Will loving another soul change the story? For I know the tale keeps on, the cycle doesn't change.

So I grieve and carry my heart open. I grieve and let the tears flow. I let the ache for a while, for no one ever tells you of the amount of pain in grieving. Grief has a face.

But ever so subtle and real, I hear a still small voice say; " Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal" And in that moment I know, everything will be just fine.

IN MY EULOGY

 In my eulogy

Remember that I lived

That I stood the taste of time

Remember that I made it to this end

That I fought the good fight!

And in my eulogy

Remember that I loved in my own way

Remember that I cried for my dear ones

And remember that I shared this life with them

And in my eulogy,

Laugh!

Laugh at the mistakes I made

For in those moments I was human

Imperfect to the core!

Mourn the things I didn’t get to do

For in them, was my hope for a better day;

And then dust off!

Right there as you sum up the life that I lived

Dust off and move on

Keep living

Keep laughing

Keep merry

Make sure you eat

And dance and stay happy

For I want you to keep on keeping on

I want you to be happy

To be hopeful

That while I am gone...

I am only off to the other side

Until then

Sing the psalms of life lived hopeful.

For I will be in resting for a very long time

So long dear ones.

And then you will say

Rest child...Rest In paradise

DEATH WHERE IS YOUR STING?

When a friend dies, it hits you hard!

It hits you so bad because then you start to wonder, "Did I love them enough, “was I there to support them and give them all my best?" You start to re-evaluate what would have been, what you should have been. And then you sit cold and frozen that they really are gone.

The night comes and as the night goes on, you pick yourself up between the spasms of fear, and you ask silently, "Are they really gone?"  But you know the answer to that question. So you cry bitterly to the power that death displays every time it takes a loved one.

When a loved one dies,

It stings, it re-awakens every dead sense in you, you desire to hate less and love more. To spread more hope and peace than you would otherwise. It calls you out on your trivial indulgences in bickering and endless fight among each other and within yourself.

Death makes you grow before your time but grow you do. Death steals from all of us; from our every core she dances with us all day long only to snatch the best dancer at the peak of their dance. And she drains what is left of the being. I wonder not where her sting is, for I have felt it and lived with it.

This somber state too will pass but the real fight is in keeping these people alive in our memories, the guilt in forgetting how they really looked, the search for old photos, the search through what you used to say, the need to keep you alive. I know I do see each of you in still photos where time held you static and kept you forever, yet I wish the memories to come would bring you along...

It never gets easy to keep saying goodbye; there was never an easy goodbye... Maybe beautiful beginnings and amazing in betweens but never one easy goodbye. So we dare to move on, we dare to leave the place where your candles burnt out. We dare to go on without you, we risk losing you in the busy of life but each step we take, and we carry the burden of yet another heart break.

We long to know what the other side is, we long to believe that the ever after really holds you waiting. We long to trust that you are okay now but we know not of what is on the other side of the grave. So we cry bitterly at the realization that you are gone and only what you did in the dash (-) is what we are left with.

Rest dear ones, for in due time death will silence us too...Until then. We bitterly miss you

P.S: In memory of my departed loved ones:

My mother; Vidah Namuddu Zirimenya

15 years and it feels like yesterday

(1966-2003)

Danielson Barbara (Babzee)

(1992-2014)

Joel. B. Ntwatwa (Nevender)

The grave robbed me when your candles where brightest

We carry on, but we dare say that, anything can happen even to us here...It is never a win-win with death.